chimaeras ABOUND

"ART"

2006-11-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

I am terrified of articulating myself...I am even more afraid that I might not ever have anything interesting enough to articulate. I am so afraid of talking, sometimes it brings me to literal tears. Mistakes rolling off my tongue.

I dance around this every day in class. I feel as though I am always trying to compete with other scholarly folks, attempting to belong. But in the attempt I usually feel like I am alienating myself. I don't want to be inaccessibly cerebral, in fact I don't think its in me to be so. I can't compete and I wish I didn't want to.

I started making art because I wanted to counteract the rigidness and technicality I saw in photography as a medium...I finally get to a real art school and I see now that I preach to a choir, the art school choir. There is nothing left to say there. Now I'm at art school and art is not what I thought it was, its better, it can be even better...but can I articulate what I truly want to express? Do I even know what that is?

I desperately want to communicate but my ideas feel either too abstract or too personal. I find solice in repetition and seriality. My artwork is coming to be about me...myself...this struggle to communicate. My "internal world" is being revealed for others. Its the only thing I know for sure.

An Intervention?

2006-10-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

So, I had an exciting (read: annoying as hell) critique today. One person said that parts of my piece were extraneous and looked like accessories and yet another said that my piece looked like a sidewalk sale. There were other annoying things said but why rehash it.

Anyhow, the assignment was to do a public intervention while commiting an act of subtle artistic terrorism. The piece I did is a comment on a book I have been reading called "Dispatches", a Veitnam War memoir. Focusing on a part of the book where the author mentions the impromtu funeral services where soldiers would line up the boots of the dead and say a prayer, while the bodies themselves would be discarded into random piles and transported on helicoptors, I put my own shoes in the crosswalk at Scott and Geary and documented it. I'm really interested in how material objects, like shoes, can be representative of a person's existence. When you see an empty pair of shoes, the absence of the body that 'belongs' in them is readily apparent. When we get right down to it the history of inanimate objects is pretty fascinating too...the way an object experiences life right along with you and facilitates your own forward mobility, physically and intellectually.

That girl has OCD...

2006-09-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

My first memory is an obsession I had when I was 5 or 6. I was in a gift shop in the mid-west and I was picking out a stuffed animal from a huge group of stuffed animals that were essentially the same. I picked up one and was about to bring it to my parents so they could get it for me and I noticed that it had a flaw on its face, something from the manufacturing. I went to put it away and I started to notice that they were all imperfect, I got this huge wave of anxiety and I then determined that if I were to put the first one back I would be rejecting it for being ugly and that would be a horribly mean thing to do. I brought the first one with the "flaw" to my parents and after that I developed a compulsion that I had to pick the first toy or stuffed animal I touched, to be "fair" to them. I did that my whole childhood until I was about 12 years old. I still get guilt feelings when picking stuff out in stores, I'm sure its related to this experience.

I am now 24 years old and I was just diagnosed with OCD 5 months ago. The ironic thing is that I have been in therapy on and off for 8 years to treat my anxiety and depression but OCD was never officially diagnosed or even mentioned. Actually, nothing was officially diagnosed...I was seeing a therapist who didn't like to diagnose people my age (at the time I was 17) because of the "stigma" that mental disorders carry. If I could go back and change anything, I would have tried to get an offical diagnosis back then. Anyhow, I now know that I have 'primarily obsessional' OCD which is harder to catch because of the lack of physical compulsions. I have a few physical compulsions but I am mostly plauged my the horrible horrible mental compulsions. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to melt because of all the anxious activity in my head. I was also TERRIFIED to tell anybody, even my therapist about my obsessions because I was "sure" that they would tell me that the reason I couldn't stop thinking about these things, was because I truly was whatever I was fearing/obsessing about at the time.

So, I discovered I had OCD the night before I went into an outpatient mental health program in mid-April 2006 (I admitted myself because I had a nervous breakdown and had to take a medical leave from school). I was searching online for "obsessional thinking" and a link came up which had personal accounts of the obsessions that go along with OCD. In the past, behaviors I have had did strike me as OCDish but I don't have any contamination OCD, so I quickly disregarded it. I was just as uninformed as most of the general public in thinking that people with OCD are only concerned with contamination and orderliness. I have sexual, violent, relationship and perfectionism obsessions...all the fun ones. :)

This is the link that I found...

http://www.concernedcounseling.com/communities/ocd/doubt/look.html

After reading some of those postings, for the first time in my life I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I was so grateful and overjoyed that I started crying right then and there...and then of course, since I have OCD, an hour later I started doubting that I even had OCD. I decided I must be the one person in the world that really is their obsessions. LOL. It's not really that funny, but it is just so OCD that I can't help but laugh.

Now, I am getting really good treatment though and I have an actual diagnosis. Severe OCD with BDD and social anxiety disorder, ADD and major depression. I'm still getting used to it, but that is me in a mental health nutshell.

I fell in love yesterday...

2006-08-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

with the New Genres department at SFAI.

My first day at New Genres 1 was better than every day I had at SFAI last quarter mashed into a ball and hit with a stick. My faith in that school has been restored. After 2 hours of lecture the teacher informed us that our first piece would be due at 1pm that day. It would be an introduction without confession, the only requirement is that we would be allowed one prop.

In the presentation of student works that resulted I experienced being: blindfolded and made to lay on the ground whilst a metal chair was being banged on above my head, given a generous gift in the form of a note, forced to watch purposely boring student video, watched good student video, assisted in another student's attempt at throwing individual sheets of toilet paper into a trash can 5 feet away, and watched a girl rip a book (that was given to her by a homeless person) to shreads.

Isn't that what art school is all about?!

I think so, that is why I am officially changing my major to NEW GENRES. In my opinion, the Photography department at SFAI is outmoded. I could never stop using photography in my "work" but I am desperate for this new perspective. I want to study in the major that includes everything cool: installation!, performance, video and still. Can you believe that I was discouraged from doing installation in my photo classes? Disappointing.

Anyhow, imagine my initial shock and terror when given the task of producing my first art piece to present to the class with only an hour to figure it out. I decided very quickly that I could never do an actual performance in front of all these scary art students. The anxiety attack that would ensue would no doubt be entertaining for those watching but horrifying for me. Instead, I decided to do an interactive text piece. So, I ran to the computer lab (okay, I didn't really run, I stopped and ate half an apple walnut salad and wrote the text for the piece and chatted a bit with a friend THEN I walked briskly to the computer lab) and downloaded my website and built this teeny work:

an introduction piece

I also did a little revamping to my "artist" website lastnight. You can see it out here...

http://karenleslieficke.com

She fell off the earth.

2006-08-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Where have I been these last few months? It actually feels like years, decades even. Hmm, how do I put this politely?

About two weeks after my last post I had a nervous breakdown and I admitted myself to a Partial Hospitalization Program for depression and anxiety. Right before I entered the program I was diagnosed with severe OCD. I've always known there was something wrong with me, but I had no idea it was OCD. It turns out that I have had it since as far back as I can remember, 5 or 6 years old. I have been in and out of therapy for the last 8 years for depression and anxiety but it was never obvious that I had OCD because I have particular type of OCD which presents itself less physically than mainstream OCD, it is called 'Primarily Obsessional OCD'. In this type of OCD the sufferer has mostly covert/mental compulsions rather than mostly overt/physical compulsions, covert compulsions by nature are much harder to detect.

These last few months have been a rollercoaster to say the least. More soon...

I feel pretty?

2006-04-01T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about what being feminine means for society lately and how products are constantly marketed and sold to make us women feel prettier, softer, better (and the final products, the "women" that are displayed for us all in the media).

In high school I spent a lot of wasted time trying with all my might to feel beautiful. It has only been recently that I am starting to see what a crock of shit that really is. I was so distracted by how people saw me, looked at me and if I felt pretty enough I didn't even have time to use my brain, to feel the thought inside myself. Granted, I was never a sorority-type girl, I had my own "subversive" teenage idea of beauty that I was trying to attain, but never could.

Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I might sometimes see something beautiful (if I am in a good mood), but I am trying really hard not to worry about feeling beautiful because it is nothing but a distraction to what is truly important, my ability as a human to think and express those thoughts. Those are the things that I can produce that are lasting and productive.

I have also been wanting to spend a little time ranting on a socially learned behavior that I have been aware of myself acting out lately. I am constantly apologizing for existing, for taking up space in the world when I interact socially. I'm not very social, so I mostly notice this at grocery stores, but when I am shopping I ALWAYS take responsibility for being the one in the way, moving to accomodate others, pardoning myself, when others (primarily men) completely ignore me or brush me off without the slightest thought. It is so frustrating and I am so sensitive, too sensitive. I need to change, to grow into the space that I deserve.

p.s. I know I am not posting very often so if there is anyone out there who actually reads this regularly, I apologize (or maybe I don't, no more apologizing!). I would love to post a lot and to write bafflingly long, mind-blowing posts but I am just not that kind of writer. I like to be concise (possibly because I am lazy), but I often fear that I am not being clear enough. To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don't feel strong enough to think about all of this ALL the time, a feminist awakening can be a real mind-fuck or atleast it has been for me. I am already tired, but I plan on staying awake.

I have started working on a photo-based project for my final piece this semester at SFAI and I am really excited about it. It critiques media generated consumerism and its effects on female beauty ideals. When I get closer to finishing maybe I will post a couple images from the series. TTFN

wow.

2006-03-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

I have one word for all of you...

Orlando.

How this one missed me until now I don't know, but it arrived not a moment too soon.

(I plan on reading the book asap.)

Googlebomb!

2006-03-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, I am a bit behind on my blog reading so somehow I missed the googlebomb phenomenon over at Bitch | Lab.

I have been eagerly awaiting any feminist activity since the South Dakota crap surfaced (I know I'm lame for just waiting and not doing anything myself) and I am plenty excited about it all.

Down with the sexist asshat(s)!

You don't believe me? Watch the video highlighting Senator Bill Napoli as one of the worst people on the planet.

Bitch | Lab has become the newest addition to PAY ATTENTION!. Cheers to your coordination effort.

Female-bodied Manifestors.

2006-03-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

I saw Dave Chapelle's Block Party yesterday (directed by the delightful Michel Gondry)

-->(Be sure to read this with a French accent: "I always hated pretentious commercials and videos before I started directing, not following the typical and saying that people are all fashion. It has always been my goal to make people feel alright when they watch my work."-Michel Gondry)

and it was a spiritual experience. I am surprised to say that it truly helped me to renew a sense of hope for humanity. People might really be GOOD afterall.

I laughed, I cried, I felt it. It was so beautiful, life was...celebrated. I was blown away by Jill Scott and Erykah Badu, thier strength and passion is catching, they were just magnetic. They can sing like nobody, but they are true and real role models as well. I had great respect for Erykah Badu, Jill Scott and Lauryn Hill's choice of wardrobe too, they looked beautiful and strong without having to use thier bodies to attract attention, empowering stuff. I also really appreciated the performances by The Roots, Mos Def and Common.

Saying that, today I was interested to read "Pink takes on "Stupid Girls"" over at Feministing.com.

I guess people are concerned that while Pink's over all message is brave and needed, the term "Stupid Girls" is too negative. Personally, I can completely relate to having animosity to 'those kinds of girls'. I think Pink did a great job of protraying that while societal norms are frustrating and pervasive, we are inexorably part of the system. I am frustrated with society's focus on appearance but I also cannot rid myself of the desire to be beautiful. Another one of those damaging dualisms.

This seems like a good time to give acknowledgement to some of the women who are being themselves and breaking stereotypes in the music industry today (disclaimer: this list is by no means exhaustive).

Erykah Badu

Peaches

Kate Bush

Feist (Leslie Fiest)

Jill Scott

Bjork

Joanna Newsome

Imogen Heap

PJ Harvey

Rock on ladies!

more to come?

Blog Against Sexism Day: We are damaged by dualism.

2006-03-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

There are so many issues that could be discussed and need to be discussed pertaining to sexism but what really comes to mind for me right now is my own struggle to analyze and understand society's heteronormative, patriarchal indoctrination imposed on us humans to be one or other (eg. girl/boy, man/woman, homo/hetero, natural/unnatural, masculine/feminine, not white/white). This idea can easily be expanded into Donna Harraway's discussions on Dualism in the "Cyborg Manifesto" which also addresses other important dualisms like mind/body, reality/appearance, whole/part, truth/illusion. In fact, in the most succinct sentence in the entire work she easily reveals why dualisms are damaging and incomplete representations: "One is too few, but two are too many." ("To be One is to be autonomous, to be powerful, to be God; but to be One is to an illusion and so to be involved in a dialectic of apocalypse with the other. Yet to be other is to be multiple, without clear boundary, frayed, insubstantial.")

These divisions reveal spaces which cannot be filled and create desires which can never be experienced/fulfilled. Why would we choose to create a world/society in which it is nearly impossible to be whole?

I feel that this construction is the very root of sexism (and most if not all other social problems). Until we can find a way to stop alienating the parts of ourselves which do not fit within these enslaving dualisms we cannot expect us as individuals to stop fearing the other in whatever form it manifests itself.

I'll use myself as an example to represent just how damaging a dualistic socialization can be:

Within the last six months I realized that I am very afraid of my "masculinity" as a female (discovering this is helping me realize that I have been socialized to believe that intelligence is a male asset hence masculine).

I am very curious about how I internalized this because I grew up in a rather liberal (however, EXTREMELY emotionally abusive) household.

I never felt I had to mask my intelligence growing up but I am now coming to understand that subconsciously I was performing my femininity... and my displays of intelligence were just to appear safely smart, non-threatening to my other male and female colleagues. I was not self-aware. I lived fearing that I was not feminine enough, praising my feminine thoughts/acts and condemning my masculine ones. The more I came to self-awareness, I started to realize that I equate my independent thoughts as masculine because it is very difficult for me to comprehend a world where women are capable/allowed to think independently (especially if they choose not to constantly strive to attain this deranged beauty ideal which requires constant, neverending maintenance and self-scrutiny) .

I know this is Wrong. I am slowly (very slowly) changing my perceptions about how I am allowed to see myself as a "woman". Honestly, the more I see that word the more I want to kill it. I feel like I can never live up to it (and I shame myself because of my feelings of inadequacy) but WHY do I even want to? The 'female ideal' was created by a patriarchy which does not embrace me as a whole person. I am damaged by society's attempts to avoid being whole, by "Man's" fears and denial of their own femininity. The masculine/feminine dualism is so dangerous because it requires us to kill/repress/deny parts of ourselves, to think we are bad/wrong and to make us feel shamed and shame others.

All quotes are from Donna Harraway's "A Cyborg Manifesto", the text is available online for free. If you haven't read it, I cannot recommend it enough.

Busi-ness.

2006-03-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

I have been very busy the last few days but I have to mention some of the highlights of my recent 'shennanigans':

I saw (okay ogled) Angela Davis at the art opening I worked at on Friday night. Amazing.

I turned 24 years old on Saturday. I am a baby and I am as old as sin.

I made some decisions about where my work is going at SFAI and I feel a little more relaxed. I have been STRESSING out. (More on this later when I force myself.)

Also, Judith Butler's "Gender Trouble" is fantastic.

p.s. I am eagerly awaiting my reusable laptop lunchbox in the mail. Where are you?

Sign up for Blog Against Sexism Day

2006-03-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

Blog Against Sexism Day is March 8th.

You can sign up at vegankid to participate.

And you should.

Mini Katamari Damacy! (and continued self psycho-analyses)

2006-03-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am a fan.

Of the two playstation games anyway. A friend emailed me this link today and I had to share it because it is one of the few video games that I actually have guiltless fun playing. This computer version is nice but I think people would only find it fun if they have had experience with the originals.

And I can't help but digress:

The more concious and self-aware I try to become I find it hard to simply enjoy myself and my surroundings. I am constantly evaluating if my interests are socially constructed or a true manifestation of my person.

So many videogames perpetuate social stereotypes (most videogames are uber-masculinized). Don't get me wrong I love sci-fi (how could I not, with all the Donna Harraway "Cyborg" references) but even the video games that feature female characters depict women in the position of power for the pleasure of the patriarchy. I have in the past enjoyed playing Counterstrike, but I have always felt that in doing so I was traveling into an exclusive and socially-gendered Man territory which I do not respect. I think I more felt that in participating I became a female acceptable as an equal to men. A right that should be inherent, not something that I should have to prove through participation in a violent and non-progressive ritual.

BUT, if even "fun" is a diversion to change for the better then what do I have left?

I have a feeling that this notion will change as I get older and become more a part of a non-patriarchal community, but it will take some time to get used to the idea that I deserve to enjoy myself. To this point, I believe that my way of coping with living within a patriarchal society which I could feel to my core was wrong (but not being concious of the reasons) was to become reclusive. I am most comfortable with myself and my very close social network, I do not trust people (as a means of self protection learned from an abusive and unstable childhood). I would like to change but when out in the world, everyday I am reminded as to why I continue to protect myself.

This is MY house. If you can't play nice, go play somewhere else.

2006-03-01T09:51:00.000-08:00

The conclusion to my last post about a cowardly anonymous comment left in a very random part of my blog.

Anonymous: "What exactly doesn't make sense about it?"

Me: "First off, I am going to assume that you are the same 'anonymous' who posted last time, but I can't know that because you refuse to name yourself.

Second, I want to say that I think it is ridiculous that you are bringing this cryptic crap here instead of posting where I made my original comment. But I guess you probably figured out that Feministe wouldn't have published your sick comment, so you decided to annoy me instead. Honestly, I have no idea why I am allowing myself to entertain you by answering your question (other than that you have REALLY offended me by coming to my home and bringing this crap with you and it is my right to tell you that).

So..."What exactly doesn't make sense?" you ask?

(To clarify for anyone who might be reading this, your original comment is based on your offensive and disgusting idea that "the resistance" I spoke of is no where to be found because they have all been aborted and tossed into a garbage somewhere. Am I wrong?)

If this is the case, you don't make sense because you are a contradiction. It is painfully obvious that you are Anti-Choice. If you are Anti-Choice then you don't value a resistance which supports a woman's right to choose what happens to her body. If you don't value a feminist resistance then why are you bothering to tell me that its "in the bottom of a dumpster somewhere" unless your only goal is to be inflamatory. Instead, you value a world where women are docile and subservient. Your attempt to imply that women are responsible for being treated like second class citizens is appalling. We need to be radical and resistant because people like you want to take away our right to autonomy."

The egalitarian part of me assumed that my blog could be a place free of harrassment. I now see that is not a reality. If you comment in my blog and I feel that what you have said has no value (however, I have a broad spectrum of understanding for validity), I will censor you. I will protect myself.

What the? Is the anti-choice fodder even falling on little ole me?

2006-02-27T17:26:00.000-08:00

I didn't think anyone even looked at my blog.

Some anonymous person left me this little note:

"Hey Karen,

Over at Feministe you wrote:

Where is the resistance?

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2006/02/26/paying-to-overturn-roe/#comment-33795

Um, I think it's in the bottom of a dumpster somewhere."

Am I paranoid or is some cowardly anti-choicer being a disgusting asshole? I hope not. If you really think about what I think they are implying it makes NO sense anyway.

A foray into omnivorous definitions as a "semi-vegan/vegetarian".

2006-02-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

I grew up in Illinois and as a child I remember that most people called non-red meat eaters (pork, beef, lamb): vegetarians. I always knew this was misdefined but it made me wonder if there is a name for those of us who do not eat red meat, etc. and there is!

Now that I know I am a "semi-vegetarian" I guess I can suspect that I am also a "semi-vegan" since I don't eat any dairy products.

So, why am I a semi-vegan/vegetarian?

Because I have IBS.

I think it is important to take a minute to talk about it because "An estimated 35 million Americans have the disease. It ranks second only to the common cold as a cause of lost work time and accounts for approximately 3 million physician visits in the United States every year."

Not only is it a very prevalent problem it is also a pretty serious women's issue because (according to talkibs.org) of the 20% of Americans suffering from IBS, 7 out of 10 are women.

I have had pretty severe IBS for almost ten years and I believe that the only way to truly control it is by regulating diet. (This opinion comes from years of unpleasant experience.) However, most doctors don't know enough about the importance of diet regulation for IBS and many people are given bad information or no information at all on how to control thier symptoms after diagnosis. It is extremely important to learn about diet in terms of IBS because it is not a curable disease.

In fact it was only 6 months ago that even I (a ten year sufferer) was able learn about any type of IBS diet after years of frustration and it only happened by chance. Exhausted and desperate I started to search for answers online and I was able to find a fantastic resource helpforibs.com.

I don't want to get all preachy and digress into some sort of heartfelt testimonial but I have been thinking about writing a post about this for a couple of weeks.
If I hadn't found helpforibs.com I would still be miserable and terrified by my condition, continually missing out on new oppurtunities. I know most people don't want to think about it but having IBS can be scary!

Heather Van Vorous (an IBS sufferer herself) is changing the lives of millions of people with her website helpforibs.com by providing tangible information (facts and ongoing research) and diet and health suggestions for those with IBS and other digestive disorders AND creating really fantastic recipes which follow IBS diet suggestions AND by creating an online community of support for those with IBS. I cannot endorse her website enough. If you have IBS (or think you might, she has lots of info on what to talk to your doctor about if you haven't been diagnosed yet too) go there, if you know someone who has IBS send them there. It will change thier lives for the better.

THE DIET BASICS

lots of soluble fiber (very low insoluble fiber)
no dairy or egg yolks
no red meat (beef, pork, etc.)
small portions, frequent meals
20-30% balanced daily fat intake

There is a lot more to it than this when it comes to an IBS safe diet though.

I highly recommend Heather's Book and/or website to get informed and stay informed.

So, there.

*UPDATE: (03/04/2006) I have now updated my foodie definition to semi-vegan pescetarian. No more chicken for me, I just can't eat it anymore. It grosses me out. And it should.

I'm still not grossed out by fish yet though and I don't really have any ethical problems about eating it, especially if its caught wild.

More on South Dakota, wait... I mean on the fight for the right to choose.

2006-02-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

When I first saw Molly Saves The Day's "For the women of South Dakota: an abortion manual" this morning I will admit I was a little shocked. Not because I felt it was inappropriate, but because I had to ask myself, "Has it really come to this?"

The truth is, YES.

Don't misunderstand me, I do not believe that women should have to set up illegal abortion clinics, it is every woman's right to have access to safe and affordable abortion and miscarriage procedures under the supervision of medical professionals.

HOWEVER, if subjective and misguided politicians are going to insist on controlling other peoples bodies there is nothing we can do but prepare for the worst and hope that our mobilization is a catalyst for the protection of the right to CHOICE.

It really is time to get started, I am not going to let this administration tell me what I can and cannot do with my body.

So, what is next?

Vegan Lunches for Little Ones?

2006-02-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

I should start this post out by saying that I am not a vegan or even a vegetarian but I do not eat DAIRY or RED MEATS because of a health condition which requires very strict eating habits. Not 'being able' to eat dairy or red meat I end up eating a lot of vegan and vegetarian foods and I definetely have a great respect for those who eat that way for ethical reasons. I am always looking for yummy non-dairy recipes and by accident I found a blog called Vegan Lunch Box. This adorably obsessive blog (and I say that with utmost love) showcases the vegan lunches a Mom makes for her child. I wish someone would send me off to school each day with these awesome lunches.

p.s. Does anybody know the health implications of raising a child vegan or vegetarian? I wonder if I would feel like I would be depriving my child in later life to make the choice for themself. hmm.

Too many stories to highlight. But South Dakota Abortion Ban scares me.

2006-02-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

My recent enlightenment into active feminism/humanism makes me want to comment on almost all the stories I read on both:

feministe.us
feministing.com

HOWEVER, I think it is more important that everyone support those blogs themselves. Bookmark them, visit them, be enraged.

BUT TO CONTRADICT MYSELF, I feel that this story is far to important not to repeat. What is it that people say about triangulation? If we all get pissed enough...something will happen?

We DO need to keep an eye on these South Dakota politicians.

You can read more at feministe.us as well.

ALSO, while researching to find out if their were already other states like South Dakota I found an old article from the SF Chonicle in 2004: Thirty states ready to ban abortion if Roe overturned

How many waves of 'Feminists' were there again? I think its time to start organizing for another.

I'm not kidding.

Is blogging performance art?

2006-02-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

The thought occured to me when I was brushing my teeth two minutes ago.

I guess it is and it isn't. It can be just as much a performance as stereotypical gender or just as little performance as going to the grocery store to buy tomatoes. When the lines blur, the only thing to do, is keep on going.

Why I almost lost my mind, a continuing discussion with myself.

2006-02-19T11:23:00.000-08:00

I almost lost my mind because: (not in any particular order)

a)the spectacle of identity became meaningless to me
b)the importance of aesthetics became meaningless to me
c)i moved to san francisco two months ago to go to sfai.

Basically, I think it all started as a subconcious attempt to distract myself from the stress of moving to a new, well populated city and going to a highly competitive school. But, I am learning that while the subconcious always seems to have the best of intentions, it is rarely ever more rational than the concious mind.

-i have to go get my laundry out of the dryer.-

I ended up not losing my mind because:

a)I moved to san francisco two months ago to go to sfai.
b)I finally began to identify with feminism.
c)and I realized that identity and aesthetics are an unavoidable inevitability. (yes, I know that is redundant.)

*note: to Mike, I will really really try to elaborate on all this later.

*note: to All, Mike was a high school teacher of mine who felt that I chronically underexplain myself, I would have to agree with him, but I also put a lot of value on concise statements.

A question to all: the lower case i (in the place of I), yea or nay?

It is very fashionable, i think, but I am just a bad typist.

Soft. Strong. SENSIBLE.

2006-02-19T11:08:00.000-08:00

So, I bought some toilet paper with my boyfriend two days ago we decided to just go to Walgreens because its only one block away, instead of Safeway where it is much cheaper. While we browsed through the overpriced toilet paper we discovered 'Charmin Basic'. This different Charmin looked almost exactly the same as the other Charmin but it was almost half the price. What is wrong with this affordable Charmin? I still couldn't tell you. However, it did describe itself as quite simply: "Soft. Strong. SENSIBLE."

Am I strange or does that seem strange, in fact, almost beautiful? I am stealing that slogan for myself, if any self-advertisement should come up in the future.

the evolution of an individual

2006-02-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

I have recently been undergoing what feels like a complete transformation of my concept of Identity and in turn my own identity. A passing rumination has turned into a exhausting reshaping of self and my perception of the world and while I know he would hate it I have to give some of the credit to one of the most humble and enthusiastic teachers I have ever had, Dale Carrico. (While there is a slight possibility that my admiration is immature, I have only been a student of his for the last three weeks, I severely doubt it.)

The intense need that I had to reshape myself was solely my own but I am almost certain that if I had not started his class when I did and read the "Cyborg Manifesto" by Donna Harraway when I did, I might have truly lost my mind.

To be continued....

the internet persona

2005-05-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

welcome me to the blogosphere!