I feel pretty?

I have been thinking a lot about what being feminine means for society lately and how products are constantly marketed and sold to make us women feel prettier, softer, better (and the final products, the "women" that are displayed for us all in the media).

In high school I spent a lot of wasted time trying with all my might to feel beautiful. It has only been recently that I am starting to see what a crock of shit that really is. I was so distracted by how people saw me, looked at me and if I felt pretty enough I didn't even have time to use my brain, to feel the thought inside myself. Granted, I was never a sorority-type girl, I had my own "subversive" teenage idea of beauty that I was trying to attain, but never could.

Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I might sometimes see something beautiful (if I am in a good mood), but I am trying really hard not to worry about feeling beautiful because it is nothing but a distraction to what is truly important, my ability as a human to think and express those thoughts. Those are the things that I can produce that are lasting and productive.

I have also been wanting to spend a little time ranting on a socially learned behavior that I have been aware of myself acting out lately. I am constantly apologizing for existing, for taking up space in the world when I interact socially. I'm not very social, so I mostly notice this at grocery stores, but when I am shopping I ALWAYS take responsibility for being the one in the way, moving to accomodate others, pardoning myself, when others (primarily men) completely ignore me or brush me off without the slightest thought. It is so frustrating and I am so sensitive, too sensitive. I need to change, to grow into the space that I deserve.

p.s. I know I am not posting very often so if there is anyone out there who actually reads this regularly, I apologize (or maybe I don't, no more apologizing!). I would love to post a lot and to write bafflingly long, mind-blowing posts but I am just not that kind of writer. I like to be concise (possibly because I am lazy), but I often fear that I am not being clear enough. To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don't feel strong enough to think about all of this ALL the time, a feminist awakening can be a real mind-fuck or atleast it has been for me. I am already tired, but I plan on staying awake.

I have started working on a photo-based project for my final piece this semester at SFAI and I am really excited about it. It critiques media generated consumerism and its effects on female beauty ideals. When I get closer to finishing maybe I will post a couple images from the series. TTFN